Oh dear

I don't know what happened. I seemed to be going so well. Had nearly a week up without sugar and was starting to feel fantastic. That itching skin thing I get had gone and I felt really clear-headed and serene. Today, stuck with the kids, I felt trapped and reached for the sugary carbs. My tummy is feeling it tonight. I don't feel too awful. Feel like I can probably get it back on track tomorrow, but I doubt if I'll ever get this permanent 1 day at a time abstinence from sugar. I can only live in hope, I guess. Or maybe I'm not meant too. In any case I had a really nice day; social and with the kids. Just felt a bit obsessed about property (we're going to buy a place sometime soon).
Lots to think about. I guess I want to not have to think so much and so I use food.

Oh God

Feeling b$%#dy awful today. Aching. Got woken up several times by small children climbing into bed with us. Had some cravings this morning for an energy pick-me-up, but I had a chamomile tea instead and promised myself a good lie down today. I think I need more water. Seem to forget when I'm running around after kids all day. Apprehensive about starting to teach yoga on wednesday morning. I think my practice has taken a nose dive since I had an inflamed disc in my lower back (still not completely healed) and I feel lacking in confidence. Just one day at a time though. Just had craving for sausage. I wonder what that's about. Tried on some yoga pants this morning and notice how cellulitey my thighs are at the moment. Gosh I really have damaged my body. More love is in order.

better bit by bit

I felt calm today. Ate fruit mostly, and tonight a bit of raw zucchini pasta and some of Alex's soup (with a bit of meat and barley in it). But I had no bread, and no sugar - wow. I woke up at 4.30am (insomnia) and did some yoga and meditated. But I made myself have a sleep today, so I've kind of caught up on any sleep I might have missed. I think that's the key - to not get so overexcited with extra energy that I end up picking up sugar again. I really don't want to do that. I've been reading some really inspiring literature about people healing themselves with raw and whole foods, and that is helping me keep going. But I didn't even think about biscuits today. Pretty amazing considering that 2 days ago I couldn't not eat half a packet.
Wish I didn't have this headache. But I guess it's all part of the healing process.

Day one

I didn't do too badly today, I suppose. Went to a kid's birthday picnic and didn't have the cake. Did eat bread and half a packet of rice-crackers coming home in the car, when I was stressed out about being late for a job, and got lost in the Campbelltown maze. Absolutely dog-tired now though. Don't know if it's sugar withdrawals but I have a headache (sinusitus) and I feel really tired. Thought about biscuits tonight after dinner, but just said to myself, "not right now, maybe later" and peeled myself an orange. My body actually wanted the juicy orange. Feeling a bit dehydrated today. Combination of winter and heating and general detox from all the sugar binges I've been having lately.
Anyway, I'm going to have a luscious shower and hop into bed..

Abstinence from the white stuff

Right now, today, I’m struggling with addictions: Food, overwork, negative feelings and spending. These are the things I identify today which are getting in the road of my life. For instance next week I’m about to start teaching a yoga class. I have never done this before, since I finished my training over a week ago. I have a lot of fear about being good enough, being judged and all of a sudden I find myself eating all the time, and consequently feeling sluggish all the time. I have eaten half a packet of mint slices before lunch, and a snack of bread, tahini and honey after lunch. I didn’t need the extra food, but I couldn’t not have it. There’s always the rationalisation that tomorrow I’ll give it up, banish it from my cupboards. But the day never comes. Or if it is does, then I manage for a week or two (feel like I'm top of it this time), but then I’m right back off track, and more and more demoralised.
I know that all my compulsions feed into one another. I know that if I can just let go of these things one day at a time, I will be in a better position to confront the real issues of my life – my family relationships and friendships, my kids, our debt, our future.
Today I’m tired. Tired of fighting the compulsion. Tired of the merry-go-round of addiction, always destined to keeping getting back on the ride, which takes me nowhere. It was suggested that I just say to myself ‘not right now’ when faced with my drug of choice. Not right now. Sure, in an hour’s time, or tomorrow, or next month, but not right now. I know I need to cement this into my psyche, because I am prone to forgetting when the right justification presents itself.
I like the idea of making a journal of my progress. To communicate with my higher self, or communicate with others the journey I make in letting go of these defects of my character.
I’ve been told to not try to do everything all at once, but to just tackle the biggest problem first. The biggest problem I see right now is sugar. Sugar is killing my powers of concentration, making me irritable and moody, destroying my energy and my health. I can feel it in my body. But to let go of it is the hardest thing I possibly have ever done. Everyone around me consumes vast quantities of the stuff, the media constantly shoves it down our throat (excuse the pun)! There is no escaping the insidious white powder. But it’s not just the white stuff. It lurks in a myriad of other forms – malt, malt syryp, maple syrup, fructose, corn syrup, glucose, honey, brown sugar, raw sugar etc etc, There is no escaping the stuff. Or is there. That's what I want to explore here... without depriving myself.